Blueprint

The plan was always five steps:
    a) become a Doula
    b) get the associate nursing degree
    c) finish the bachelor nursing degree
    d) tackle the master's midwifery degree
    e) open the birth center

And so, here I am. On the eve of step four. I'm amazed that I've made it this far. Not because I doubted myself, I just didn't realize it would happen so fast. Or maybe I've been so intent on the journey, that I forgot all about the destination. That there actually is a destination.

But here I am. I have reached the peak of the mountain, and the view is...
daunting.
More peaks ahead. Rough climbing. Solo-work. Social excommunication. And the nagging feeling of being tethered down, of staying in one place.
The rest of my life written.
I've always enjoyed the luxury of thinking, "One day, I will live in a gigantic, drafty, crumbly Italian villa, or cozy English cottage...I will travel frequently, and study flamenco in Spain. I will probably live in France for awhile and have a brief romance with a nerdy-but-charming French bookseller...I will do all of that and so much more."

But in the shower this morning, it occurred to me, that the odds are I will never do any of that. Especially if I stay here, devote myself to a midwifery practice and potentially open a birth center. There would be no room for any of those other things.
And it sort of saddens me, that the luxury of my youthful dreaming is so quickly running out.
I feel this loss keenly.
And it makes me doubt myself, and the foundations I have laid.